Friday, September 29, 2006

Just for you!


Part I

-Oh my, why is this burger so expensive?
-Well, you see sir, there are actually a plethora of reasons. The meat is very special, the cow was born in the summer solstice, and all of her life she was only fed truffles, caviar and champagne. It was then slaughtered by a ninja, for only a ninja can slice with enough precision .The burger was cooked in an adamantine-gold alloy grill, which can only be forged in space. After one burger, the grill is no longer considered pure and must be destroyed and casted into the ocean. Heat came from burning saffron. The lettuce was cultivated in the grave of the hero Achilles. The tomatoes were grown in holy land, and the ketchup is prepared in the Holy grail (in that point, the unicorn blood is added). Bread was baked using the heat of an active volcano in Montserrat Island, (9 men were lost), and the sesame is placed one by one by a virgin born in a full moon, and whose mother, greatmother and greatgrand mother had names finishing in a consonant. After she finish she is killed, just to make sure she will not make any other burger. It comes with french fries.

-...I'’ll have one. And a diet coke.
-Excellent choice, sir.

Rejoicing in the glorious burger, Jim became illuminated, and felt the wholeness of reality. He sublimed into the higher forms of consciousness, and was suddenly freed from the prison of the flesh; for he had reached Nirvana. Then his mind was reformed, and he realised he was in front of a window, curtains moving in a silent breeze, and there was a watermelon. To his left, there stood Charlie Chaplin.
-Welcome --he said-- you are now in a plane of existence which can only be reached by the consuption of a very delicious burger. The Watermelon and the Window are all that exist in this dimension, feel free to contemplate them.

And for eons, Jim did so. Then a further secret was reveled to him, he looked at Mr. Chaplin and he gave him a nod and a proud smile, the kind a father lies upon a son when he understands a lesson not taught with words.

Then Jim jumped out the window.


End of Part I.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Bullshite


On crowd behaviour.

I spent the weekend in a little town with a pretty odd festival; every year they close some streets and release bulls into them. Thousands of people go there, longing for a chance to play macho and run in front of the bulls. It is crowded and noisy, so the bulls freak out of themselves and run around in panic. Bulls, as scientists have concluded, are herbivorous, so they really have no interest in attacking people. All they want in life is to wonder free, making sweet ranchy love to cows and mind their own business.

They say its a very traditional thing, but the truth is its just a rip off of the rip off a festival in Spain which was a very stupid idea in the first place. So, the deal is overall very simple, you get a bunch of random jerks and fuck-os in a situation where they all want to show off and you give them industrial amounts of alcohol, and somehow that supposed to add up to the best time you can possibly have. Sure, I had some good time with my friends (I was with a very cool bunch of people) but the festival itself was quite shitty.

Since I was not really having fun with the whole bull deal, I decided to pay more attention to the animals around me. People are fascinating... as individuals. Crowds are different.

In a crowd, one can do things you cant do in normal circumstances. Being just an anonymous figure you are deprived from the action-effect system. Think of this; this guy lives in a big city, in a very restrictive environment that makes him play by the rules most of the time. He then goes to a little town, and is given the chance to get super drunk in the street and is urged by peer pressure to show he’s got a pair. He throws a bottle of beer into the air, and it hits somebody. What happens next? Nothing.

The individual would never attack a police man. But the crowd will. The individual would never destroy propriety, but the crowd will. Why? Because in a very large group, whatever you do will go unpunished. Theoretically, at least. So, individuals who are usually civilised citizens act completely different in a crowd. Without the action-effect notion, man reverses to a more primitive stage, and if you throw booze and macho-spirit to the equation you get a mindless mob that behaves like a swarm.

The crowd is a headless monster, a leviathan without purpose. Crowds act like animals, they are unable to follow the simpler instructions and will only obey on fear. Prone to anger and prone to panic crowds are predictable in the same way any other large group of animals is. A crowd can be expected to react like an animal, and (rather sadly) has to be controlled in the same way. It has a hypnotising effect, a very deep part of your psyche tells you that in a crowd, you are not responsible for your actions.

Not surprisingly, many people get hurt. In this festival, far more people get hurt by other people than by the bulls. Fights break often, alcohol-induced bravery makes people do the most stupid things.

One should try to avoid crowd situations whenever possible, but sometimes you just get caught in the middle. So, here is a short DO and DON’T list, useful if you ever get yourself in a crowd.

DO
-Check the ground in advance. Look for exits and escape routes.
-Be ready to stay calm if things get ugly.
-Put you wallet in a front pocket.
-Crowds stink... so be ready for unpleasant body odours.

DON’T
-Turn your brain off.
-Wear sandals.
-Push.
-Freak out