Ready for a TED

Sometimes, you need to think outside the box to solve problems. Sometimes, a little change of focus can show you that there is nothing to solve! So, here are a few tips for our modern plague:

How to deal with depression?

Option 1: Don't

This is one of those changes of focus we mentioned earlier. Maybe you think you need to deal with depression because you ought to not feel like shit all the time. Think this instead: you rationally know that your happiness is inconsequential. And do you honestly believe you deserve to be happy? Come on now. So maybe there is nothing to solve. Maybe all you need to stop looking at depression as a problem is just to accept some people are not meant to be happy. But that's OK. It doesn't matter anyway :)

Option 2: Drink.

Now, I don't know about you, but I am terrible are worrying when I'm shitfaced drunk! So yes, people might not like you when you are drunk. The secret is to drink until you don't give a shit. Booze is a lot cheaper than that medication reserved for people who are worth it, not useless sacks of crap like you.

Option 3: Do drugs.

Maybe booze is not cutting it anymore. Stay positive: you are far from lack of options. Drugs will do you lots of good. Not only will they get you wasted in a way alcohol can only imagine and masturbate about crying in his basement sitting in those card boxes full of memories, but they will keep you busy. There are many, many flavors on the drugs aisle but good-old heroin is still hard to beat. Being a heroin addict is a full-time job, so you can look at it as occupational therapy. You are always forty bucks away from the next homerun. Talk about a goal-orientated mindset!

Option 4: Do more drugs? Dude I don't know.

Heroin sure is expensive, isn't it? Shit man, you are in a bit of a pickle probably. Shoot some krok you fagget, Fuck it just, just go for it man. You'll feel better.

Option 5: Yoga

Doing yoga has helped a lot of people to not only be able to do weird poses and pretend they are better than everyone else, but to cultivate an inner relationship with themselves or something like that, I don't know. But its worth a shot at this point. Specially since you need to do something about your opiate problem.

Option 6: Join a cult
So shooting heroin in that shady new age yoga joint sure gave you many chances to meet wonderful people. Odds are by now some of them introduced you to a gurú who it really going to help you pull yourself out of the gutter. It's getting weird now but The Brotherood of Saturn's Sisters is really something else. You, you need to experience it man. It's not the kind of thing you can describe, you just-- you just have to experience it you know. Like, yeah man.

Option 7: HOLY SHIT THE CULT WAS RIGHT GET ON THE SPACESHIP OH FUCK IT'S FULL OF STARS HOLY SHIT