Wise, wise old sexy turtle.

So! I know it kind of a cliché but what the hell. Time has taught me plenty of shit, and I think it is only fair that I give some back. And I’m not gonna rant about survivalisim or my good ol’ fuck-consumerism-in-the-ass-with-a-fork. I will rant about dates. Not the fucked up, miscalculated historical dates, but dates as in going out with a chick to get smoochies. Here is a small DO/DON’T list. Be bewisen by it. (Is bewisen a word?)

Assuming that you got a date, and you want to make a good impression, do:
1.-Be on time. Turns out girls don’t enjoy hanging around alone waiting for someone.
2.-Be forward. Don’t try to pull any Zorro bullshit, you are not Zorro damnit. Girls dig confidence. Not arrogance, not cockiness. Confidence. Be sure.
3.-Listen. And I don’t mean “pretend you listen”. Actually pay attention to what she says, you can’t really get it on for good with someone you can’t stand. Now, its not a monologue- talk about things that are important for you. Don’t be afraid of dwelling into deep, philosophical stuff. Granted, she might realise that you are a fucking nutjob, but some times that’s a good thing. Which leads us to the next DO.
4.-Be honest. I mean don’t burp and fart and say ‘this is who I am, love it or leave it bitch’. Chances are she leaves. As a I say before, confidence is good, so don’t try to pretend you are smarter, richer or in any way more desirable than you really are. Just be you. She likes it, good and if the doesn’t, well, at least you found out right away and saved your time for a more promising endeavour.
5.-Don’t get too fresh. Who knew, turns out girls don’t want to be treated like objets. So, flirt away but hold your horny self back.
6.-Be casual! A date is not a fuckin ritual with a thousand ancient rules to obey. Being casual means you don’t get nervous, which in turn lets you be in a non-defensive stance.
7.-Drinking. It’s ok. Some times, dates take place at pubs or bars. Have drink or two, make it something classy, but not pretentious. Don’t order champagne at Joe’s for fuck sake. Have a Guinness. Let her see how cultured and sensitive you are (Hey, did you know Sunday Bloody Sunday is about Ireland?). Keep it cool. Beyond the common rationale of not drinking yourself comatose if you are gonna drive, you also want to be undrunk in you date.

Well, that’s a pretty fat nugget of wisdom right there. It will work fine to get you closer to the girl with pretty eyes or that classmate you want in your flat. But sometimes, you want to lose a girl. That is also possible. Here some advise in that case!

1.-Be late. Very late. Then make up some lame excuse. Stare at her breast the whole time.
2.-Get horribly drunk.
3.-Pick a fight! Extra points if you fight someone she knows.
4.-Don’t have enough money to pay the bill.
5.-Barf. Then ask for a kiss.
6.-Call her amid your drunken stupor, forget her name, and tell her you are super horny so she should really come by.

And you will never, ever see her again.